Does your need to be loved is getting you in trouble at work?

Wanting to please those around you may seem like a good thing at first glance, but looking at it in depth is a pattern of behavior intertwined with several problems.

The one who tries to satisfy others and avoid conflict and controversy essentially creates a "fake" character that adapts to any situation, creating possible confusion. Most of all, however, he makes it difficult for himself by suppressing personal desires, degrading his value, taking on extra workload and ending up being "the child for all jobs".

Recently, at a women empowerment workshop I organize, I met an extremely kind, capable and successful woman. Heartbroken, she asked for help with the difficult daily life she experiences at work. Having taken on the role of director for the last 9 months, she is constantly running to help or save her team. When others are not consistent in their responsibilities, she undertakes to complete the work. She is definitely likeable and lovable but they do not show her the necessary respect. She is satisfied with the "love" of her colleagues but now, on the verge of physical and mental exhaustion, she realizes that her need to be pleasant and not to cause tension has an impact on both the results of the work and on herself, who works very hard. many hours and is drowned out by resentment for colleagues who do not respect her enough to do their job.

How does her story sound to you? Could it concern you? Do you put the satisfaction of others above your personal needs? Does the need to be loved put you in trouble?

If in doubt, consider the following questions:

  • Do you find it difficult to say "no"?
  • Are you worried about frustrating others?
  • Do you make concessions even when you feel that you are lowering yourself?
  • Are you afraid to express yourself so as not to create controversy?
  • Are you afraid that if you do not serve you will not be liked?
  • Do you do things out of "obligation" even if you do not agree?

Are you shaking your head? So maybe the time has come to make some changes and stop pleasing others with a negative impact on your own professional development, self-esteem and personal life..

  • Show kindness ... to yourself: To be in this situation, kindness probably characterizes you. Maybe because of your kindness you become a thousand pieces so as not to upset anyone. Kindness is a positive quality, but not when it is addressed to everyone but you. Show kindness to yourself and start setting boundaries!
  • Recognize the resilience of others: When you try to please and help others, you may feel that they will not succeed on their own, that they can not handle the difficulty or discomfort. But the truth is that they can. Man shows exceptional resilience and creativity when needed. If you are constantly available, you train them to "use" you.
  • Learn to say "no": The basic skill you need to develop to stop being the "child for all jobs" is to say "no". Set clear priorities and think about what keeps you from them. Consider whether the colleague's demand is reasonable and the impact it will have on your schedule and obligations. If you have a problem, say "no". Positive no is a clear, honest no, which leaves no room for doubt or misinterpretation. You can suggest an alternative. You can present the reason for the refusal, but without apologizing. For a person who is important to be loved, you could also show sympathy for the other person's problem but insist on your "no" e.g. "Yes, I understand that you are stressed and need help, but I can not do it."
  • Accept the controversy: You will soon realize that "no" is not difficult and does not cause significant problems. But sometimes, especially when they are used to it, there will be reaction, tension and controversy. Prepare to manage it. Keep in mind your goal, which of course is not to keep saying no, but to safeguard your personal boundaries. Show sympathy, kindness and defend your position.

Remember that practice brings results and generates self-confidence. By freeing yourself from the need to satisfy others, you will feel great relief and liberation and you will open new doors of personal development.